This never would've happened to Blanche
by MorganWritesAndStuff
Summary: In which Voldy is a Betty White fangirl, wears a Snuggie and Bunny slippers, has close encounters of the MarySue kind, fails to "check himself before he wrecks himself", and buys some cookies. Parody/CrackFic R&R


Title: "This never would've happened to Blanche."

Summery: In which Voldy is a Betty White fangirl, wears a Snuggie and Bunny slippers, has close encounters of the MarySue kind, fails to "check himself before he wrecks himself", and buys some cookies.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything *pouts*

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><p>Voldemort sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose- well, you know, what he has of a nose.<p>

Being *the* dark lord is a lot harder than it sounds.

Seriously, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

From pointless paper work, stupid minions, and muggle credit card companies who absurdly think your name is "Cardholder 1", there just aren't enough hours in the day.

I mean, you don't know what he would do for a Klondike bar- Er…Time turner.

Honestly, an evil overlord just needs some "me time". So Voldemort decided to do just that.

Snuggling into his Snuggie, he settles down in front of the TV with a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip and a spoon for a 24 hour marathon of Golden Girls.

-What, you didn't know Voldy was a Betty White fangirl? Anyway, where was I before my LOVELY narrative flow was messed up? Oh right-

He hummed along with the theme song, and dug into the melty goodness. Just as he was getting lost in Sophia's antics, the harsh ringing of a door bell broke his concentration.

Grumbling, he got up and stumbled to the door though the dimness of the room, still snuggie-clad. Swinging open the door, he squinted against the harsh glare of the afternoon sun. Two preteen girls, dressed in shredded skinny jeans, band tees, combat boots, and girl scout sashes covered in patches. Both girls had obviously dyed hair, heavy silver rings on several fingers and rosary type necklaces. One of the girls popped her gum and said,

"Hey, Freako. Y'wanna buy some cookies?"

"Excuse me?" Voldemort asked.

"You heard her." the other girl chimed in. "We're goin' after the prize this year."

"Prize?"

"For sellin' the most boxes of cookies. So how many can we put you down for-" She looked down at the mail she had swiped from his postbox,- "Cardholder 1?"

"Give that back!" He snatched the mail back, and slammed the door in their faces. No sooner had the door shut when the sound of two combat booted feet making contact with the door was heard. Voldemort scowled and fished around in his snuggie pocket for his wand. He'd sort those stupid muggles soon enough. He ripped the door open again, and leveled his wand to- nothing. Noticing a burning odor , he looked down to see- A BURNING BAG?

Quickly, he stamped it out. Sighing in relief, he looked down to see - HIS FAVORITE BUNNY SLIPPERS COVERED IN POO!

Now they've went too far, this is WAR!

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><p>Four hours later, and needless to say, Voldemort lost not only the battle, but indeed also the war. Hey, so he's not a master strategist! It's not his fault those devious girl scouts had better knot tying skills than him! I mean, they are *girl scouts*! Knot tying is practically all they do! He would've recruited them as Death Eaters, if only they didn't whine about those damn cookies so much.<p>

Anyway, he now had a sprained wrist, various rope burns, a torn snuggie, bruised pride, an obscene drawing done in sharpie on his forehead, and an order for 93 boxes of Thin Mints.

In hindsight, he had failed to, as the girls had said, "Check himself before he wrecked himself."

Shaking his head, all Voldemort could think was, "This never would've happened to Blanche."

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><p>EndNote: I just love to mess with Voldemort (:<p>

What do you guys think? Oh, and if you guys have noticed the massive amounts of Parody oneshots I've been writing, it's because I have writer's block for my WIPs.

And I feel reallllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyy bad.….

So I write stupidly funny(?) parodies, and make Voldie-Poo do things like wear snuggies and be chased by robots.

I'm just asking for a Crucio, right?

No characters are safe from me though, I have made Bella Swan turn Jersey Shore, and use a flame thrower.

Anyway, review or I'll tell Voldy this was your idea.

Oh, and if you happen to think I'm sort of funny or something, do feel free to head over to my profile and check out my other stuff! 3


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